Competent or not?

Last week I went into individual supervision thinking I had just conquered the world. First, let me tell you supervision is something required not only by my company but by the state of California and Board of Behavior Sciences (BBS) as I am still un unlicensed intern. It allows me time to discuss cases, ask for input and continue to find myself as a therapist with what’s working and what’s not working. I get individual and group supervision every week. Right now individual feels more like a regurgitation of my week because I am still unsure of a lot of things and I personally still have a lot going on. However, last week, to put it mildly, I was PUMPED. I had had an amazing two weeks with clients. I was able to complete tasks, stay focused, not over work (as much) and genuinely make a good connection with clients that truly assist them in accomplishing stuff. I was ready to conquer the world and really delve into what was working, what wasn’t working and absorb the knowledge my supervisor had to give me.

That’s not quite how it went. I got slightly reprimanded for overreacting to a demanding phone call I had received and how I chose to respond. My fault, I learned from it and that’s part of an internship, making mistakes and learning better choices. However, my supervisor said to me that she felt I was competent enough to handle the situation in front of me and in fact, I didn’t need the help I was reaching out for. She looked at me and asked, “Do you know that you’re competent enough? Do you know that you’re good at your job? Do you know this and believe this?”

I, in my true Jamieko nature, looked at her with a blank stare and crookedly smiled and muttered something close to yes. She waited for me to respond, in a truly therapeutic way and then like that, my large hot air balloon of a bubble of happiness was popped and tears were slowing running down my face. I explained that I finally thought I found my niche, not as if the past three years had been for not, but finally felt a balance and felt a rhythm that I enjoyed and with those three questions my world once again crumbled. The foundation that I felt I had created as a stable ground to build a pleasure center of enjoying my job crumbled to the ground.

So then my question remains, when do you know you’re competent? When do you, meaning I of course, truly believe that I am good at this? This isn’t the first time I’ve received glorified praise from a supervisor that made me cry. As if I still have an issue with being successful. I have truly been the top of my game at every job I have had. Whether it is bartending, stocking towels, or being a receptionist. I have had confidence and pride, and in fact have had to train others at every job (all 30 or so…sad right?) I have had.  It’s who I am. I excel. I enjoy. I perfect.

So why after three years, do I still feel like the new kid on the block? Why do I feel like the 50 or so hours a week I work are somewhat for not? Like nothing I am doing is making a difference? I actually am helping train another intern while at this job and that helps clarify that I am good at this. Helps me see what skills I do and don’t have. I feel like that is the biggest blessing I have received this month.

I just wonder, if we feel like we’ve perfected our profession does that mean that we stop learning? I never want to feel like I am some Guru of therapy who thinks she knows everything. I never want to feel like I am not in need of supervision. I feel like we learn from one another continually and that needs to be honored. Heck, I feel like I learn more from my clients then I do anyone else. God, has them in my life for a reason, for preparation or for a mirror to show me other ways to deal with life’s challenges (often the same challenges I am facing). I wonder, has my humility become humiliating?

My only goal, to be able to walk into supervision when I feel like a champion and express that, not turn into some insecure teenager who with one question can have the flying rug I stand on, swept from under me. That is my goal for November, to believe above all things I am competent, I am good at this, and I am meant to be here, because it seems other people have faith in me, I need to as well.