Transitions

 When I got hired at my job I feel like they could have jokingly told me a part of the job description is transition, because it feels as though we are always in a current state of it. However, that seems to be a point of great growth for me. A way for me not to be so structured and an increase in my fluidness, or as I like to call it, my ability to roll with the punches, jabs and right hooks. I have learned to gain stability, in instability, giving me the ability to develop more confidence and focus on who I want to be as a clinician.

I didn’t realize that my life needed the subtitle of “transition” as well. It seems if it’s not one thing it’s truly another. Right now I’m in the “it’s another” phase, genuinely making me question a lot of things, which is not a safe place for anyone to be. That made me think (because of course I lack the desire to look inward at the moment and desire distraction) of my boss and something powerful she said. We are in transition again, losing her as our direct supervisor and gaining a new supervisor who will run our individual supervision. This transition has been difficult for her and I heard her state, “I don’t feel needed”.

My internal Jamieko began to gab. That seems just silly! Of course you’re needed. You have an amazing amount of experience that we all benefit from. You have an energy that let’s be honest, we all feed off of. You are able to continue guiding us during group supervision. A group that continues to be safe enough for me to cry, which we all know is pretty huge.  Most importantly, you’re the boss, the person whom at any time of need we go to for support and you are always more than willing to give it. Of course you’re needed!

My little light bulb clicked, hell if this transition has made her feel like she’s not needed and clearly she is, maybe that needs to speak to me and my life transitions and the negative self talk I have going on.

I pretty much sobbed during group today because of my personal bullshit. My tears of frustration while speaking about a client were clearly not even related to my client, but to my overall inability to handle the newest slightly unexpected transition in my life.  Perhaps, my life is not over or miserable like I think it is. Perhaps to answer a dear friends question, life does get better for us.

My goal is to take a step back and shine light on what this newest transition has to offer me and maybe like my boss, I’m missing something important that everyone but me can see.

Friends of History should remain HISTORY

Towards the end of my graduate program we were instructed that to graduate we needed 20 hours of personal therapy. Something I think every graduate program needs, especially in the psychology field. I struggled finding a therapist. I found two I didn't agree with for a variety of reasons. However, I sucked it up and chose one of the two and worked through my issues with her. I was tired of looking and needed to find a way to work through my transference issues, truly believing that I had something valuable to learn from her.

One of the more valuable things I learned was the concept of "Friends of History". My therapist stated that it was good to have friends who have known the younger you. This way you can gain that support and have a connection with someone unlike any ever known.  I encouraged David to reconnect with someone who I would consider a friend of history and he has been very thankful so I was able to see the benefits of this concept.

I recently "broke up"with my best friend of history. The person who I deemed my longest friend of history, my best friend for years. Her and I have gone back and forth in what one would consider a tumultuous relationship for 18 years and just recently we "broke up" again, this time I believe I'm going to keep it permanent, and I struggle with that decision.

I think of her often and wonder was my therapist right, should we fight for friendships? Do we make sure our friendships of history last? Is her friendship worth it? I can't help but wonder, at what point should friends of history remain HISTORY?

Then I begin to think of all the friends I have met in the past five years. These men and women have been a blessing and a healthy addition to my life. Why keep friends in your life just because you've known them for years?  I understand the level of comfort I have with my high school friends. That comfort where you can talk about everything from feminine hygiene, to divorce, to work, to getting pregnant, and having sex all in the same conversation. You really can't do that with too many people. I appreciate that, however at what point do you sacrifice comfort for healthy solid relationships.

I do have a few friends of history that have developed into solid friendships and honor those. However, at 33 years old I realize that the friends I meet now or in the last five years can develop into my Friends of History. I appreciate them. Love them. And respect them. Most importantly I feel like we are equally in the friendship helping make one another better people. That's what friendship is about, be it a new friendship or a friend of history.

Cheers to my new friends, my old friends, and my friends who have finished their season in my life. Thank you for all you have done for me or all you have let me do for you.