Transitions

 When I got hired at my job I feel like they could have jokingly told me a part of the job description is transition, because it feels as though we are always in a current state of it. However, that seems to be a point of great growth for me. A way for me not to be so structured and an increase in my fluidness, or as I like to call it, my ability to roll with the punches, jabs and right hooks. I have learned to gain stability, in instability, giving me the ability to develop more confidence and focus on who I want to be as a clinician.

I didn’t realize that my life needed the subtitle of “transition” as well. It seems if it’s not one thing it’s truly another. Right now I’m in the “it’s another” phase, genuinely making me question a lot of things, which is not a safe place for anyone to be. That made me think (because of course I lack the desire to look inward at the moment and desire distraction) of my boss and something powerful she said. We are in transition again, losing her as our direct supervisor and gaining a new supervisor who will run our individual supervision. This transition has been difficult for her and I heard her state, “I don’t feel needed”.

My internal Jamieko began to gab. That seems just silly! Of course you’re needed. You have an amazing amount of experience that we all benefit from. You have an energy that let’s be honest, we all feed off of. You are able to continue guiding us during group supervision. A group that continues to be safe enough for me to cry, which we all know is pretty huge.  Most importantly, you’re the boss, the person whom at any time of need we go to for support and you are always more than willing to give it. Of course you’re needed!

My little light bulb clicked, hell if this transition has made her feel like she’s not needed and clearly she is, maybe that needs to speak to me and my life transitions and the negative self talk I have going on.

I pretty much sobbed during group today because of my personal bullshit. My tears of frustration while speaking about a client were clearly not even related to my client, but to my overall inability to handle the newest slightly unexpected transition in my life.  Perhaps, my life is not over or miserable like I think it is. Perhaps to answer a dear friends question, life does get better for us.

My goal is to take a step back and shine light on what this newest transition has to offer me and maybe like my boss, I’m missing something important that everyone but me can see.

Friends of History should remain HISTORY

Towards the end of my graduate program we were instructed that to graduate we needed 20 hours of personal therapy. Something I think every graduate program needs, especially in the psychology field. I struggled finding a therapist. I found two I didn't agree with for a variety of reasons. However, I sucked it up and chose one of the two and worked through my issues with her. I was tired of looking and needed to find a way to work through my transference issues, truly believing that I had something valuable to learn from her.

One of the more valuable things I learned was the concept of "Friends of History". My therapist stated that it was good to have friends who have known the younger you. This way you can gain that support and have a connection with someone unlike any ever known.  I encouraged David to reconnect with someone who I would consider a friend of history and he has been very thankful so I was able to see the benefits of this concept.

I recently "broke up"with my best friend of history. The person who I deemed my longest friend of history, my best friend for years. Her and I have gone back and forth in what one would consider a tumultuous relationship for 18 years and just recently we "broke up" again, this time I believe I'm going to keep it permanent, and I struggle with that decision.

I think of her often and wonder was my therapist right, should we fight for friendships? Do we make sure our friendships of history last? Is her friendship worth it? I can't help but wonder, at what point should friends of history remain HISTORY?

Then I begin to think of all the friends I have met in the past five years. These men and women have been a blessing and a healthy addition to my life. Why keep friends in your life just because you've known them for years?  I understand the level of comfort I have with my high school friends. That comfort where you can talk about everything from feminine hygiene, to divorce, to work, to getting pregnant, and having sex all in the same conversation. You really can't do that with too many people. I appreciate that, however at what point do you sacrifice comfort for healthy solid relationships.

I do have a few friends of history that have developed into solid friendships and honor those. However, at 33 years old I realize that the friends I meet now or in the last five years can develop into my Friends of History. I appreciate them. Love them. And respect them. Most importantly I feel like we are equally in the friendship helping make one another better people. That's what friendship is about, be it a new friendship or a friend of history.

Cheers to my new friends, my old friends, and my friends who have finished their season in my life. Thank you for all you have done for me or all you have let me do for you.

Competent or not?

Last week I went into individual supervision thinking I had just conquered the world. First, let me tell you supervision is something required not only by my company but by the state of California and Board of Behavior Sciences (BBS) as I am still un unlicensed intern. It allows me time to discuss cases, ask for input and continue to find myself as a therapist with what’s working and what’s not working. I get individual and group supervision every week. Right now individual feels more like a regurgitation of my week because I am still unsure of a lot of things and I personally still have a lot going on. However, last week, to put it mildly, I was PUMPED. I had had an amazing two weeks with clients. I was able to complete tasks, stay focused, not over work (as much) and genuinely make a good connection with clients that truly assist them in accomplishing stuff. I was ready to conquer the world and really delve into what was working, what wasn’t working and absorb the knowledge my supervisor had to give me.

That’s not quite how it went. I got slightly reprimanded for overreacting to a demanding phone call I had received and how I chose to respond. My fault, I learned from it and that’s part of an internship, making mistakes and learning better choices. However, my supervisor said to me that she felt I was competent enough to handle the situation in front of me and in fact, I didn’t need the help I was reaching out for. She looked at me and asked, “Do you know that you’re competent enough? Do you know that you’re good at your job? Do you know this and believe this?”

I, in my true Jamieko nature, looked at her with a blank stare and crookedly smiled and muttered something close to yes. She waited for me to respond, in a truly therapeutic way and then like that, my large hot air balloon of a bubble of happiness was popped and tears were slowing running down my face. I explained that I finally thought I found my niche, not as if the past three years had been for not, but finally felt a balance and felt a rhythm that I enjoyed and with those three questions my world once again crumbled. The foundation that I felt I had created as a stable ground to build a pleasure center of enjoying my job crumbled to the ground.

So then my question remains, when do you know you’re competent? When do you, meaning I of course, truly believe that I am good at this? This isn’t the first time I’ve received glorified praise from a supervisor that made me cry. As if I still have an issue with being successful. I have truly been the top of my game at every job I have had. Whether it is bartending, stocking towels, or being a receptionist. I have had confidence and pride, and in fact have had to train others at every job (all 30 or so…sad right?) I have had.  It’s who I am. I excel. I enjoy. I perfect.

So why after three years, do I still feel like the new kid on the block? Why do I feel like the 50 or so hours a week I work are somewhat for not? Like nothing I am doing is making a difference? I actually am helping train another intern while at this job and that helps clarify that I am good at this. Helps me see what skills I do and don’t have. I feel like that is the biggest blessing I have received this month.

I just wonder, if we feel like we’ve perfected our profession does that mean that we stop learning? I never want to feel like I am some Guru of therapy who thinks she knows everything. I never want to feel like I am not in need of supervision. I feel like we learn from one another continually and that needs to be honored. Heck, I feel like I learn more from my clients then I do anyone else. God, has them in my life for a reason, for preparation or for a mirror to show me other ways to deal with life’s challenges (often the same challenges I am facing). I wonder, has my humility become humiliating?

My only goal, to be able to walk into supervision when I feel like a champion and express that, not turn into some insecure teenager who with one question can have the flying rug I stand on, swept from under me. That is my goal for November, to believe above all things I am competent, I am good at this, and I am meant to be here, because it seems other people have faith in me, I need to as well.

                  

We're on the move...

So yes we have finally found a place to move!!! We have had great difficulty in finding a place to downsize too. We love where we live and being a couple with a dog finding a new place has been nearly impossible, rent here in the bay area is just outrageous (our rent for our one bedroom apartment is more than almost everyone we know pays for their mortgage). We decided our best bet was to rent a room so we could save money and help pay down our debt. Back to being a couple with a dog... :-(

It seemed that saving money was never going to happen. We thought about moving back in with Jamieko's parents, but the drive was more than either of them could handle. We talked about moving to Santa Cruz to enjoy the beach and still be close enough to David's job, but my old job did not want me to come back, so we took that as a sign perhaps we are still meant to stay in the bay area. We put our faith in God and prayed on it and continued our search. Last week late at night I found an ad on Craigslist that intrigued me. Long story short we found a place to rent where we are able to keep all of our stuff and rent a room at the same time. We are both very excited. The place has an awesome back yard for Aspen, our fantastic white Lab, to play in and is still close enough to where we live now for us to enjoy the area. 

As much as I'm sad to add to my insane number of moves, we are stoked to have the experience to start 2013 debt free. This month should be fun as we clean the new and old apartment, move in and move out and settle one more time. 

Wish us luck as we make the transition and build a new relationship with our new roommate.

Facebook Cold TURKEY

I took the month after we got married off from Facebook. In my last post I talked about how I don't understand Twitter and don't really care to. However, I LOVE Facebook. Not just because I'm super nosy but because it makes me feel connected to everyone.

I recently moved away from what I would deem as home, even though I have moved more times than I care to admit (cough, cough 68, cough, cough). This last move was definitely more difficult than I had imagined. I have been desperately trying to keep in contact with all those I miss via Facebook. I decided I had been spending too much time when my husband and I were sitting next to each other both on our laptops looking through Facebook instead of spending quality time together. In all honestly that would not seem so big of a deal except we only get to see one another two nights a week, if that.

I deleted Facebook from my phone and logged off for a complete month. It was hard the first week and then became really easy. I logged back on at the end of our honeymoon. I enjoy being on Facebook. I keep up to date with my nieces and nephews and siblings. I am able to reach out to those who don't live close enough to make a jaunt to go see.

HOWEVER, I realized that I put a lot more into all of my Facebook relationships than those I am "friends" with. Out of over 700 friends I have I only spoke to maybe 10 people in the month I was unplugged. But I was able to really speak to them. To be truly present for them and more importantly for my husband.

I actually felt completely disconnected and it was nice after the pain and disappointment subsided. I was able to complete my goals for the month. I connected/reconnected to 10 people and spent as much time as possible in quality time with my husband. I read one book (I wanted to read 4), I started working out regularly again, began spending quiet time alone and truly be able to see who my "friends" really are.

I suppose I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. But given that I have family all over the country and David has family all over the country it truly is handy to keep everyone updated. When it comes to friends I haven't decided how I feel about them. But alas, that is the nature of life I think. We get busy and egocentric and that is ok. It truly has to be. However, it needs to be balanced. I find myself continually attempting to keep the kindle of friendship going and I think I'm tired of it. I think that all relationships need to be reciprocated. I wonder how that will pan out.

It's time to take care of me and surround me with those who want to be a part of my life, not just be witness to it.... looks like it's time to do a big delete again. :-)

jko

Twitter Me This

I was listening to the radio because that is where I get most of my news. Not NPR type of news, but more like morning radio shows news. You know the type that involves the weather, disasters, political updates and celebrity gossip. Is that sad? Probably. But alas a busy girl has to do what she can. 

I heard about a teenager, Kevin Curwick, who was tired of cyberbullies utilizing Facebook and Twitter to destroy the lives of his fellow classmates. He took it upon himself to create a twitter account that was only to be used to spread positive things about his fellow classmates. His username is @OsseoNiceThings.

I won't lie I don't understand Twitter, nor do I care to. I am already fighting my media addiction I don't need anything else to add to the issue. However, I think this is just amazing and speaks volumes to the hope I have for our future generation and the change they can be.

I have clients who have experienced this damage via the anonymity of Facebook. I have seen the destruction of self that happens to a child when hundreds of kids read something and run with it. It takes the phrase, "spreads like wildfire" to a completely different level. Heck, I have seen the damage people attempt to do as adults utilizing Facebook. It is amazing the horrible things I see people write. I choose not to allow that energy in my life, so I challenge the negativity and if it continues I have no issue deleting someone. However, I am 33 years old and have the ability to do that most teenager's concept of self is only seen in how others view them. Can you imagine the challenge they are faced with?

If we could spend as much time spreading positive things as we do spreading ill will who knows where our kids will be. How can we expect our children and our teens to do this when we as adults often speak disparagingly about others because we have a cloak of anonymity.

My challenge to you is to keep track of how often something negative comes out of your mouth about another person while you're alone. Now how about when you're in front of your kids? When you figure out how much negativity is in your mind then reverse it! Spend one day a week only speaking highly of people and more importantly yourself. Then try to increase it to two days and so on. Perhaps we can take a lesson from Kevin Curwick and make the attempt for positive change in those around us and in the world!

jko

Read more about Kevin and his positive change:
http://www.competeeveryday.com/2012/08/kevin-curwick-tweeting-change/

Photo Book

Here is the photobook I created of photos from family and friends. I hope you enjoy!!

xoxo
Jko

Click here to view this photo book larger

Click here to create your own Shutterfly photo book.

Weighing in . . .

Top Photo with my biological Mom 02/2004
Middle Photo with my Mom 05/2005
Bottom photo with a coworker10/2004 at 250 pounds

Weight is a funny thing to me. Not like Comedy Central, laugh out loud funny. More like wow, the irony of this doesn't seem to stop. Like many females I've never appreciated the weight I was because I found myself in comparison to those around me. I was unable to see the real me, the blessing that God created and the beauty those saw in me.

When I left high school in 1997 I weighed 160 pounds, which is only 10 pounds heavier than my ideal weight for my height, bone structure and muscle mass. I didn't think I was skinny but I don't think I ever felt "fat". I just knew that I was the fattest girl in my clique.

After my first year of college I found that I didn't gain the "freshman 15" I gained the "freshman 30". I was devastated and found myself for the first time really self conscious and uneasy. I came home and never really changed what I did. I started working, kept going to college, traveled, and experience a full life.

At the end of college in 2003 I reached an insane weight. In all honesty I don't think I know how much I weighed. I know I was at least 250. I was the fat girl in my sorority and I truly didn't realize it. I was oblivious in certain sense because I was happy and in love and as a result of my denial was FAT.

When i graduated college I realized I was fat as I tried to get into a wedding dress. I started my journey to get healthier. I got down to 225. When I got divorced in 2008 I made a change in my life. I started to run. I ran all the time. I started at a 19.5 minute mile and got down to 13.5 minutes. I completed 5 5k's, and 11 .3 mile run and a half marathon and I managed to lose a total or 75 pounds. I at one point got down to 169. I still thought I was giant, but understood I was in the process of becoming healthier.

As much of a success as that is, unfortunately I have gradually began to gain the weight back. Slowly over the 3 years I gained 16 pounds tipping the scales once again at 185. Then I had a major weight gain. It started when I got fired in July 2011. I was at 185 pounds in July and then in 4 and a half months gained 40 pounds. I was back up to 220 pounds. :-( I was once again devastated. How did I let this happen? I worked so hard to get the weight off and it was as if all the work I had done was for not!

This time the weight affected all of me. I was not oblivious. I was not in denial.  If there was a word greater than devastation that would begin to explain how this made me feel. My heart, my soul, my confidence, my personality, my self-worth all seemed to take a tole. I once again was trying to fit into a wedding dress and trying not to let my lack of self-esteem and my weight totally steal from the joy of becoming a wife to the man I was so excited to have in my life. I attempted to work out and as a result I have dropped 9 pounds and lost 7 inches.

My wedding day 7/21/12

My wedding was amazing. I felt like I looked amazing like every bride deserves. I was able to let go of my weight and focus on the joy God has blessed me with. After the wedding I decided ok, now it's time to focus!

That was two weeks ago. The first week was rough only worked out 3 days instead of the 6 days I wanted. This week was much better I have worked out every day this week and have enjoyed every moment of it.

This morning I was quickly measured by a trainer who was busy, so I question his accuracy (more because I can't believe the results) and he informed me that I was 41% body fat. The only words out of my mouth, WHAT THE HELL? I made a commitment to start running again regularly and exercise daily, even if that means just taking my dog on a 2 mile walk. I was told I needed to lose 20% of my body weight. My original goal is to get back down to 160 pounds. The weight I was when I thought I was the fattest girl I knew. That will be 25.5% of my body weight now. I know I can do it. I am determined to do it!

Ironically, tonight David has chosen to watch Extreme Makeover Weightloss. The man on the show weighed 543 pounds and one year later he weighed in at 277 pounds. WOW! I am always amazed at how God reaches out to me. Sometimes he has to grab my attention and shake me. This shook me!

It's amazing the difference a year can make. I told someone once, if you truly want to accomplish a goal every choice you make in life has to help get you closer to that goal. Keep that goal as your focus and you will create that happiness!!!

So here we go again. An attempt to regain who I once was back. An attempt to fit back into my "skinny" jeans. An attempt to regain control of my life and my health. An attempt to win my fitness challenge with a brother. An attempt to complete a race a month!  I will be successful this time. I will reach my goal. I will be a model for the kids I work with. I will be able to look myself in the mirror and smile knowing that I am still able to accomplish goals set. I will stop comparing myself to those around me and practice what I preach, we are all unique individuals God put on this earth for a purpose. I am not you and you are not me. I am happy with who I am, who I was, and who I will be!

-Jko

It begins again...

July 21, 2012
Our Wedding Day

Some of you have followed me in the past on other blogs and some of you didn't even know I loved to write.  I was getting the itch to write again. This strange feeling of needing to express myself with words.  So here I am, writing again in a very public forum. I decided since I am in a completely different phase of my life I needed a completely different blog to support that. So here we are starting fresh!

I haven't decided quite what I want my focus to be. I know that I have experienced so much and have been blessed by God so much and when I sit here and think, I will find a focus. For now I will express joy in my new marriage and the life we are creating together. Please understand that every now and then I will interject words of wisdom, words of humor, and attempt to express something I have had the privilege of experiencing so you can learn.

As my life continues to change and I continue to grow I am choosing to articulate it and document it. I am now 33 years old and half of another year is gone by. I feel as though another phase of my life is starting, full of great experiences, challenges, personal and professional growth, and a whole new world of being a couple.

And as I continually say, Happiness is a choice! No one can make us feel anything or react in any way, we choose that. So your life is a choice be careful what you choose.

Here you go.... <3 Life As We Choose It  <3